I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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