Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
