At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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