hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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