You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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