I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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