hell yes lets make some ravioli
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
