Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
