This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
