my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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