life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
In America we eat man semen.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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