you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
