the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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