My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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