i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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