Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
