His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
