the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
