I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
