There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Randomize
