What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
