bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
