Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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