why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
