Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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