You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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