what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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