I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Randomize
