he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
