I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
