im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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