don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
