i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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