he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
