my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
