I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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