1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
