I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
