Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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