i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
