do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
