So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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