I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
