Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
