Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
