We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
