who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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