so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
