I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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