I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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