apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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