like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
