Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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