meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
