you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
and she was petting her beer can
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
They took my balls.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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