i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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