If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
