I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
