What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
