if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
